Part of the reason why I began this blog was because I wanted to know what master meditators did to get so, well, masterfully meditative.  I was frustrated that I couldn’t find any details on what they went through when they were beginning other than generalizations – being bored, frustrated, falling asleep or in physical discomfort.  What I wanted was more specific details.  What could I expect?  What were the mini-steps along the way?  I did some research but didn’t find anything that I could relate to.

Now I’ve been told that all meditators experience different steps, and therefore, my experience may be unique.  I acknowledged that until I went to a meditation retreat at the Esalen Institute recently.  During the course, the instructor asked students to list what their challenges were when trying to meditate.  I was shocked at how similar our responses were to each others.  We had each experienced almost all of the same conditions. This lead me to believe that perhaps we’re not all too different after all.

So in the hopes that this might be useful to you, here are some initial challenges I’ve had with the visualization meditation practice I’m testing out (see blog post on How to Meditate):

1.  Finding the time -  When I began on day one, I was motivated, I knew what to do, but it was difficult to find the time to just sit and meditate.  Even if it was just 5 minutes.  I didn’t look forward to it.  It was like taking medicine. It’s good for you, but not necessarily enjoyable.  So I overcame my reluctance by at first planning to meditate aggressively. I tried to meditate at least twice a day.  I was successful for 2 days.  I then meditated sporadically on different days and times.  This didn’t feel great either.  It was only after I established a routine, and it became so habitual, that I now reliably meditate at least once a day.  I wake up about half an hour earlier, and I meditate right after I shower. I don’t even think about finding time anymore. I’m on autopilot.  After I shower, I pull out my meditation cushion, and I sit down for at least 20 minutes.  In fact, when I don’t do it, I feel like the whole day is off.  Not only because my mind is less focused, but because my routine is off.  You know the feeling.  So, just set a time when you know you can meditate, and stick to it for at least a week.  Once you’re in the groove, it’s hard to shake.

2.  Trying to find the image – At first, when trying to visualize something in front of me, it’s wasn’t very clear how to do it.  In the beginning, I tried to visualize the Buddha literally in front of me, outlined in the red carpet I’ve had since freshman year of college.  It’s red and busy and Persian (see photo to the left).  It’s difficult to see a real statue crafted into the busy landscape, so for many days, I squinted and struggled to create it. It took me awhile, but I then realized I wasn’t supposed to be using my eyes to visualize the Buddha. Instead, I needed to use my mind (yes, your eyes also use your mind, but hang on), the same part of your brain that you use to imagine things in your head.  So try looking forward, eyes open, but think of what the image would look like in your imagination. It sometimes helps to create a background for the image in your mind, which then sets off the image against whatever it is you’re looking at.  For example, I imagine the Buddha floating in a blue sky.  This helps me to ignore the really busy red carpet pattern in front of me.

3. Focusing so hard it hurts – In the beginning, I couldn’t get past a couple minutes of “meditation” without feeling tired or frustrated.  Part of the reason was that I was really focused on focusing.  I was trying to generate the image to appear before me with great intensity.  Meditation is not meant to be stressful, but relaxing.  An easy way to think about how to generate the image in your mind is to try this – look around you right now.  Pick out three items that are green.  Now, pick out three items that are red. How easy was it to notice these items?   This level of attention is exactly what you want to use to “pick out” your visualization.  Your attention should be soft and light, just like picking out those colors in the room.

4.  The loss of the image again and again –  Sometimes I wonder if I’m meditating at all.  There was a stage when I focused so hard, I could barely sit for more than 5 minutes (see #3).  I’m now in the comfort stage where I can sit for half an hour…without meditating. I sometimes find myself sitting there after 10 minutes and become suddenly aware that I was daydreaming, OK, not the right word, worrying about work.  I was imagining scenarios in my head, then moving onto tasks, then trying to figure out how to communicate something more effectively in a presentation.  The scary thing is, I never have any idea when I actually lost the image, but it usually feels like a long time ago.  I then get this feeling that can only be described as complete and utter realization of my own lack of control. It’s very much akin to feeling really dumb. Like when someone asked you a question and you gave the dumbest response ever, and then you realized it was the dumbest response ever, and then you felt dumb. I feel that way sometimes post day dreaming.  BUT!  There’s light at the end of the tunnel.  I’m learning to bring my awareness back again and again. I’m strengthening that muscle that allows me to observe what I’m thinking about.  To watch my own mind think.  To realize that I’m not meditating.  The more I strengthen this ability to catch myself, the more often I’ll be able to catch my mind and bring it back.  And when I do bring it back, there’s a sense of focus and awareness that beats the past 5 minutes of laxity. I’m suddenly fully present and aware and happy.

5.  Breathing - The breathing part is harder than you think.  I’m convinced I’m naturally a poor breather. I’m also convinced that I have the lung capacity of a three year old.  I feel like I’m suffocating most of the time when I’m swimming crawl.  There’s a reason why controlling your breathing helps with anxiety disorders.  You can make yourself more anxious through your breath.  During meditation, I’ve noticed that with visualizations, it’s harder for me to maintain a steady and calm breath.  Sometimes I hold my breath, or I breathe irregularly.  For me, shallow breathing has correlated with more day dreaming.  One day, I decided to use one of the breathing techniques I learned in yoga in meditation. I began to use Ujjayi breath, or “ocean breath,” to help regulate my breathing while I meditate.  The controlled, rushing sound of the breath is calming, and I find that I can focus much better.  I’ve been told that you need to breathe naturally during meditation.  But the Ujjayi breath has worked wonders to help me focus so far, and it might help you in the beginning as well.

6.  Lack of Validation -  The first couple of times, I have to admit, I didn’t feel any different. I wasn’t sure if anything happened. Did I do it right?  Maybe it just wasn’t working for me.  I kept reading about the experiences others had when they meditated, and they kept talking about “joy” and “bliss” and “happiness.” I didn’t feel anything for at least 2 weeks.  I kept going partly because of routine and partly because of what I learned from having studied neurobiology in college.  Your brain literally reconfigures itself as you strengthen synapses. I was aware that these types of changes take time.  The more frequently you use particular synapses, the more frequently they fire, thus getting stronger.  This is the basis for building memory.  Probably after the third week in,  I finally did notice the change.  I felt calmer throughout the day and my emotions were more steady.  I was able to focus on tasks for much longer.  I felt less angry.  It was then that I realized these changes had occurred gradually in the past few weeks.  In hindsight, I had felt better. But, I only became aware of the change after reaching a certain threshold.  The best validation, though, was when G glanced at me one day after I had erupted about something I’m sure was important, but in reality, probably trivial.  He looked at me and said, “You didn’t meditate today huh?”  Turns out meditation helps your marriage too.

Hope this helps!
xoxo