In my last post, I promised I would update you on my number of “shoulds” over the weekend and so here it is: 15!

(If you have no idea what I’m talking about, this is the number of times that I say “I should [insert action, feeling, commitment]“, resulting in a general feeling of frustration, disappointment, unhappiness, despair…you get the gist. If you have no idea why I would do this, read my last post here).

Incidentally, I found out more than just my number.  I discovered “should triggers” – events or times that trigger a rapid succession of “shoulds.”  I bucket them into three categories:

1.  Food and meal times and generally day dreaming about food -  The number of times that I regret what I’m eating is by far the most “shouldful” time ever.   Before I even begin a meal, “I should not eat too much.” During the meal, “I should not be eating so much chicken skin (OK, I know, most people think it’s gross, but all I taste is fatty goodness).”  But by far, a constant “should,” one that I can depend on as much as I can depend on the fact that it’ll be cloudy in the summer in San Francisco and I will be cold, is the big “should” right after eating, “I should not have eaten so much. Not again. Why? Whyyy!!”   It’s interesting to me that I can make one of the happiest parts of my day be the time when I beat myself up the most.  While I realize that I could be eating better, there’s really no point in regretting what I eat after I eat.  Because clearly if regretting it worked, then I’d be eating less of what I shouldn’t, and I wouldn’t be “shoulding” to begin with!

2. Right when I wake up –   It’s cold in the mornings in San Francisco (we established the fog in the summer earlier), and there’s nothing better than being cuddled up under the covers with G – I’m toasty warm and completely relaxed.  So as soon as I hear the alarm, the first thought I have to greet the lovely morning is, “I should really wake up.”  This goes on for a bit because almost always, I don’t spring out of bed right away (who does?!).   I’ve been trying to wake up to go to the gym in the morning, and I’m successful about 40% of the time.  The days that I do make it, I’m ecstatic.  But the rest of the days – “I should have gone to the gym.”  That regret lasts pretty much the whole day.  The “shoulds” don’t stop there though. I usually almost always have a plan for the day. “I should finish that presentation.”  ”I should remember to call Lilly back.” The “shoulds” faded after getting to a workshop I was attending on Saturday and after breakfast on Sunday.  It’d be awesome to start a day without a plan, and actually feel good about it, not guilty or worried that I’m wasting time or life.  It kind of defeats the purpose if I’m too worried about wasting my weekend that I end up wasting my weekend worrying.

3. Sunday afternoon -  50% of my “shoulds” were on Sunday afternoon.  ”I should do laundry.”  ”I should clean.”  ”I should go to bed early so I can go to the gym in the morning.”  My friend told me her version of my Sunday was her Saturday afternoon. She said she got so stressed if she didn’t get everything done on Saturday, that she could not enjoy Sunday.  I think most people have some version of my Sunday afternoon.  It’s usually a time that you dedicate to getting all those things done you don’t want to do anytime else because it would ruin your day.  Turns out, thinking about it alone ruins my day.  This one’s tough for me. I wish I could be less anxious on Sundays, but I’m worried that removing the “shoulds” is dangerous.  I do need to get things done, and if I stop “shoulding,” maybe I’ll just live in my own filth and eat chocolate all day.

So I haven’t done enough tests to know what my other triggers are, but recognizing these are helpful. Perhaps this coming weekend I can expect when and what I’ll “should” about.  Today, I caught myself thinking about what I should eat, and I stopped myself.  Perhaps I can extend that to my Sunday afternoon moments.  Perhaps instead of getting anxious about it I can choose to just do it or not do it.

Photo credit for Yoda – Alex Abian

Photo credit for laundry – Sean Freese